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Awkward Conversations With Grandma

When I was a kid sex was never a big topic my parents and I talked about. In fact, if you saw my house as a kid and were to compare that with my parent’s house today it would literally be night and day. My house as a kid was always kept clean and tidy and everything had its place. There were pictures of our family on the walls and we sat down and had dinner together every night. My parent’s house now, is exactly the same plus the added benefit of pictures of my mother at the beach, by the pool, and other locations involving water during the summer time in which you would wear a bikini.

When my parents moved to Las Vegas I did not move with them. I was traveling on the road. When I came back home my parent’s house was exactly the same as when I was a child. I moved to Reno and came back to Las Vegas and my parent’s house has completely changed.

My parents have a room we’re less-than-desirable photos are hung up on the wall. There is even a hand-painted border around the wall. Except it is not hand-painted in the sense of hand holding a brush putting paint on the wall.

the boobie border

The border in this room is made up entirely of my mother’s breasts. You read that right. I can only imagine my dad must have dipped his hands in paint and covered my mom’s breast in paint. Then she applied them to the wall in order to make this border.

I can’t believe this so far

If you made it this far I am impressed. I also sympathize with you. This was very shocking and alarming to me as well. I walked into this room and saw the border and it took me a few minutes to put two and two together. Then my mother openly admits what they did and I was embarrassed. But wait there’s more.

As a computer nerd, I made the mistake of introducing my parents to technology. I have shown them a thing or two and that is something I deeply regret. See, I taught my dad how to use his camera on his smartphone. Instead of taking pictures of anything else, my dad chooses to take photos of my mother. Topless.

But it gets worse. A while back I showed my father how to upload his photos to the computer and then download them to his local computer and save them. I also showed my father how to set the background on his smart phone and computer using the same photos that he took on his phone.

This explains why I have not touched my mom or dad’s phone or computer in a very long time.

Not even to the odd part yet.

A little while ago my dad asked me to help him fix his smartphone. I picked up his phone and I asked him to put in his password to unlock the phone. My dad unlocked a phone and there was another surprise. One of the photos my dad took of my mother topless was set as his background image.

As a side note: My dad will ask his co-workers and friends for help with his smartphone and they have the same thing happen to them.

The Ipod

For Christmas, I bought my father and iPod. He drives a truck all night for long distances and I thought he would like some kind of new age musical device in which he did not have to change CDs over and over. I should have thought that through. Once again I showed my dad had to set up his iPod and we unlocked his computer and there was another topless picture of my mother.

To say the least, I’m just used to it by now. Oddly used to it.

I can’t believe I had to have this conversation with my parents

For those of you playing the home game, you might have heard that Jill and I are having a baby. My mother was thrilled and my dad was kind of shocked. So I can say we’re kind of even. If even means not even close.

Since we told my parents there has been a lot of conversations. “How to raise the child” and “what kind of things we should be learning as newly expected parents” are some of the topics. One conversation I never thought I would have to talk to my mother about is her lack of clothing around the house.

There have been many times where my parents have invited me over for dinner. I show up and walk into the house and my parents are nowhere to be found. They were this way as a child as well. As a child, I used to walk into our backyard and I would find my dad gardening and my mom sitting at the table reading the paper.

Since moving to Las Vegas, when I can’t find my parents, I walk into the backyard only to find them 99% naked and by the pool. I say 99% percent because my mother is at least wearing tan lines. My dad is totally not embarrassed and my mother will go running and dive into the pool. I think she forgets that water is transparent. So it doesn’t help. If you’ve ever seen anybody in a pool, you know that water only enhances the features under water. Kind of like a magnifying glass. YIKES!

One night Jill and I were having a conversation. It dawned on me. We’re going to have to have a conversation with my mother explaining that if she is going to watch or babysit our child, she cannot be topless or naked when we come over. End of story. I don’t need my child to be exposed to my own mother, his grandmother, in the same ways I have been.

This was not a conversation I ever expected to have with my parents. Needless to say, we had a pretty entertaining conversation. My mother informed me that she and my father, in fact, have already had this conversation several times. The worst part is I can only imagine a calendar. Hanging up in the room with the boobie border. The calendar has dates on which they can and cannot be naked. I’m not kidding people. It wouldnt even surprise me at this point.

I’m pretty sure my parents have invented an app and put it up on the Android Play store, by this point. It’s called the “We can be naked during this time period” app.

I love my parents to death but damn.

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