You know what my problem with pockets in general is? I’ve yet to find the right one. Most pockets are either super small or super huge.
Women’s jeans have these awesome front pockets with a special place for their chapstick or potentially a tampon. Maybe even a super clever gun that looks like a chapstick. Yeah, clever right? I mean, talk about the storage these pockets provide people. That pocket frees up space inside of a women’s purse. That’s functionality and ingenuity at it’s finest. What do guys get for a pocket in their jeans? 4 pockets of equal size. End of story. Do we get a cool pocket where we can place a toy green army man for back up or maybe enough room for a matchbox car? Fuck no. Is there some clever area where we can hide a grenade in case we find ourself on the front lines of war with an ex girlfriend? Nope. Sometimes there’s a tiny pocket for change. So I guess that’s cool as long as I’m in the 1920’s.
Here’s another pocket that pisses me off. Pull over sweaters with the huge ass pockets in/on the front. If I put something in the huge ass pockets of a pull over sweater, it looks like I have a huge boner. Straight up, it looks like I’m stuffing my pants with huge tube socks from the 80’s. Not that I have a problem with that. Am I right ladies? It just makes me look like I’m over Compensating for something. Those pockets make people assume I drive one of those lifted trucks with balls that hang off the axles. I feel like every time I’m wearing one of these stupid ass sweaters, I should introduce myself as “Hi I’m Russ. It looks like I have a constant erection because of this sweater, but I promise I don’t.” It seriously looks like I’m a fucking Kangaroo and I have a pouch. Sometimes it looks like I have old man balls and I need a pouch on my sweater to carry them. Yeah, I’ve said that a few times.
Also, see zip up hoodies and look at their stupid ass pockets. Nothing I have fits in those pockets. Unless they are going to make cell phones and wallets in the shape of an obtuse triangle, we should reconsider the design structure of these pockets. They are small enough and one can make the argument that I could put my chapstick, matchbox car or little green army men into that pocket. Except what happens if I were to see a smoking hot woman and I try to do the Bend and Snap? Yeah, army men and matchbox cars come falling out of the pockets and it’s like I’m 13 all over. How do you explain that? You don’t.
These pockets are ruining my life and potentially the lives of like 4 other people.